These 4 Steps Will Help You Forgive Yourself And Someone Who Hurt You

There’s a good chance that you’ve suffered a setback from someone previously, or have committed a mistake that you wish you hadn’t done, and you’re angry at yourself. It’s important to not let your anger or frustration take over your life, but forgiving yourself or someone else can be a bit more difficult than it sounds. When you’re able to move over it you let go of all the trapped negative feelings in you and you feel great about yourself, and are able to take the next step in your life.

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Of course, this is contingent upon implementing forgiveness in a real way which requires many hours of effort. However, it’s well worth the effort. “When you forgive, you see the personhood in the one who hurt you, and you have a wider story of who they are,” says Robert Enright, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin at Madison and the author of Forgiveness Is A Choice. “When you realize that you are more than what the person did for you you begin to realize that you are much more than what they did to you. You begin to realize the inherent value in every person, including yourself.”

There are numerous misconceptions regarding what forgiveness actually means and can make it seem more difficult than it really is. “People equate forgiveness with giving in and not fighting for justice,” Enright states however, it’s not about allowing bad behavior to go unpunished. It is possible to be adamant about someone’s actions while the option of releasing resentment.

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In essence, forgiveness is a conscious voluntary decision to release anger. It’s neither quick nor easy. “People feel they can’t forgive because they assume it should happen immediately,” says Suzanne Freedman, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the University of Northern Iowa, who points out that research has shown that it could take longer than a year before you can let someone go. It’s a long journey that involves bumps and valleys and it’s possible to change your mind about the things you’d like to accomplish.

Are you ready to build your forgiveness muscles? Follow these steps to practice the path of deep forgiveness. They are based on four phases that were identified in the work of Enright as well as Freedman.

1. Make The Decision To Forgive

First, you must uncover the cause. Find out, via journaling or therapy, precisely the person or thing that caused you to be angry. If you’re able, in a safe manner inform the person about the way their actions affected you. The next phase is the one of a decision where you announce to yourself that you would like to accept forgiveness. (Note it’s okay not to forgive, or you’re not yet there.)

If you’re having trouble making decisions, you should consider whether holding on to your anger can benefit you, suggests Enright. “When you live with resentment, you tend to ruminate about the person who hurt you often,” Enright declares. “You may slowly fall towards a negative view of life and be averse to relationships as a result. Someone else has such power over you that now your capacity to feel secure and joyful is ruined. This is the reason to accept forgiveness.”

Do you need additional help? Consider the consequences of not allowing forgiveness as suggested by Amanda E. White, the therapist behind Instagram therapy for women. “By avoiding forgiveness, you don’t have to put yourself out there, you get to be ‘right,’ and you don’t need to have uncomfortable conversations,” she adds. “But you’re losing time and the power to get on with your life.”

2. Do The Work Of Forgiving

In the third step (the major work) Consider asking yourself the truth behind the person who irritated you. How did they grow up? What are their wounds? “You’ll likely find they’re a vulnerable, scared, confused person who is taking it out on you,” Enright says. Enright.

It is also helpful to search for shared humanity. “I’ll ask people “Do you realize there’s no other person like you around the globe? Does that not mean you are of worth?’ After that, I’ll ask them the exact questions regarding the person who did them wrong. It may take months but eventually, people realize that they have their own worth,” he says.

The recognition isn’t easy to take in at first. “We ask people to stand in that pain and not throw it back at the other person or anyone else, and as they realize they can endure it, it actually begins to leave,” says Enright. In the next step, take the initiative to give something to the offender, such as nice words or a call or a gift in their honor. It will prove that you are not full of resentment and could encourage them to improve as well.

3. Lean Into The Positives Of Forgiving

The next step is to discover. Enright suggests writing down what you value as a person after you have left everything to the side. Are you more compassionate towards me? Are you more aware of the suffering of other people? Do you have a sense that you have a new meaning in your life? If the answer to one of these questions is yes, you deserve an extra pat on the back.
The back. Mission completed!

4. Forgive Yourself Too

You’ve got it down, you’ve learned (or you’re working on) accepting others’ forgiveness. What about yourself? It’s an internal issue as well! White discovers that women typically struggle with forgiveness for themselves because they are perfectionists. And admitting that they’ve failed requires admitting that they have failed.

Simple yet effective trick: “Get into the habit of asking what you can do better when you mess up,” she advises. “That builds actual confidence because your self-worth is coming from your ability to take responsibility and fix things.” You can take it one step further by writing the person you’d like me and begin to live the dream.